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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:21 am 
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I love the old Star Trek the best. Next Generation is good but it's nowhere near as cool as the original series.

Haven't watched it in a longtime though. The original series is sooo Psychedelic looking.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 12:25 am 
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I'll pick back up with this sooner or later. Still have Season 3 to get through, just gotta reorganize the episodes so I'm watching them in the right order.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 11:02 pm 
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Resumption!

s03e01: "Spock's Brain"
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They should've called this episode "Sometimes The Space Hotties Want To Steal Your Thinker," because that's pretty much the plot. They're on the ship, blah blah blah, another Tuesday, then blamo, here's a space-hottie, and she, true to the title, appears out of nowhere on the bridge, steals Spock's Brain, and is gone in a flash. The rest of the episode? Well, obviously it's spent trying to get Spock's brain back. Not a great start to the third season, folks. The funniest part about it was watching Bones have to pretend to care about something that, even for this show, was completely ridiculous. Spoiler alert: Spock gets his brain back. Next.

s03e02: "The Enterprise Incident"
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While we're retitling episodes, let's call this one "Sometimes The Space Hottie Is Spock." At first, Kirk's all like, "I'm a total dick, whatever," to Chekov, and you get the voiceover in the beginning from Bones: "Medical log, Kirk's a dick. Totally stressed," then Kirk is like, "Fuck all y'all, into Romulan territory we go." They get surrounded by Romulans, who have a cloaking device and Spock starts to get down with the Romulan commander, who apparently shares Kirk's tendency for teaching alien species the ways of the heart and bodily fluids. This actually might be the most progressive episode of the series so far on a gender level. Anyway, Kirk being a dick is all part of a spy mission to steal the cloaking device, and that thread, the Spock/Captain Romulanwhatsherface thread, and a couple others all get tied up pretty nicely by the end of the episode, the Federation effectively breaks intergalactic treaties to steal Romulan technology -- at the same time the Romulans are said to want to keep the Enterprise intact to harvest its technology (this made no sense to me because if they have cloaking devices that the Federation obviously wants if they're willing to risk war to steal it, then what tricks could they possibly learn from the Enterprise? nerd nerd nerd) -- and gets away with it, capturing the Romulan Captain in the process. Quite an evening in the lives of Kirk & Co., but a pretty good episode all around. Kirk even dresses up as a Romulan at one point and clearly relished the whole pointed eyebrow thing:
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Right on, Captain.

s03e03: "The Paradise Syndrome"
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AKA "Sometimes The Space-Hotties Are In The Native American Equivalent Of Blackface And They Think You're A God." Problematic. Anyone see Easy-Rider? Me neither, but this space-hottie was in it. It's only vaguely explained why the planet has evolved to the point of having American Indians on it, but whatever. There they are. There's an asteroid coming to smash the planet, and while Kirk and Spock and Bones are there looking around I guess to see what it's going to smash into, Kirk falls down a shaft underneath some kind of --- wait for it --- OBELISK. That's right. And I totally nerded out. They said the word like three times in the episode and I girlie-squealed each time. No shame. Kirk gets zapped by some kind of ray and, whoops, loses his memory, then emerges from said OBELISK just as two hotties are walking by. Hotties -- again, all very problematic -- think he's a god and that he's there to save them and blah blah blah, two months pass, Kirk, who goes by Kirok because he can't really remember his name right, marries one of the hotties and knocks her up -- which I imagine he did just by looking at her because he's THAT FUCKING POTENT -- and then when the Enterprise comes back, Kirk and his space-hottie wife are being stoned to death for not being able to save the world. Well, Spock's there, so they do save the world (good thing he got his brain back), and in the best ending yet of an episode, the space-hottie dies. That's it. Pregnant with their child, she dies and the credits roll. Finally, no resolution, no shot back on the bridge goofing around, just devastation. You don't get a sense that anything's going to be okay. Still probably an episode that you couldn't show on television today, let alone actually produce it.

Here's a shot of that obelisk for good measure:
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And here's how I felt when I saw it:
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Replace the leather fringe with a black t-shirt and the strapping man-stallion with an overworked balding obese beardo and it was just like that. Awesome.

Onward!

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:16 pm 

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I wish that last picture were an animated .gif of Kirk throwing his arms wide.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 10:53 pm 
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s03e04: And the Children Shall Lead
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This was the episode that worked under the hypothesis that there's nothing more horrible or creepier than kids. They're right. These kids were dicks. First they're all dancing around their dead parents, then they're just stupid and Kirk's like, "Why are you stupid?" and they're like, "Whatever, jerk," and so he takes them up to the Enterprise because he doesn't know that kids are just that stupid because he's never actually been a father to any of the thousands of space-bastards he's no doubt sprinkled throughout the galaxy. He gradually comes to realize how awful they are when they use mind control to terrify everyone on the ship and it gets revealed that they're working for The Great Glowing Doofus, who appears thusly:

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The Doofus is all like, "Hey you stupid kids, we need to get to SOME PLANET so I can do SOMETHING and take over the universe OR WHATEVER," and the kids are all dumb as shit so you know they're in. They make Uhura see herself die, and Sulu sees awesome space-knives, and Kirk gets all paranoid and then he's like, "No way, I'm done with my dark passenger," which is later space-inherited by Dexter, and then something something the kids realize they made their parents kill themselves by sucking so much and cry and then are taken off the bridge episode over. Oh yeah, and the tall ginger is the worst.

Season three, wherein Star Trek locates the shark, and promptly space-jumps it.

Points for providing sci-fi parable for the perils of procreation, but other than that, not exactly a classic.

Onward. Slowly, but onward.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 10:12 am 
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http://www.welovefine.com/49-star-trek

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 10:44 am 
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Awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 6:55 pm 
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A twofer:

s03e05: Is There in Truth No Beauty?
aka "Check Out My Box"
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Kirk's all like, "Everybody zip up, there's a space-hottie coming on board," and then he realizes he's the only one who's taken his pants off. Space-hottie turns out to be some kind of telepathic ambassador who -- TWIST ALERT! -- is blind and can't see and that's how she does her job because the ambassador is like a funny light that lives in a box and drives people insane OR SOMETHING and then they have to wear the goofy eye shield that just makes it apparent how much the show's budget had been slashed by this point, but toward the end Spock doesn't wear the thing and then he goes crazy but then he isn't crazy anymore or whatever. Space-hottie also might die at the end, I don't really remember and she's pretty disposable either way. But for one scene where Kirk is trying to get her to give him a piece and for the silliness factor, there's not really much here worth holding onto. Season three's kind of a bummer so far, man.

s03e06: Spectre of the Gun
aka "Trek Goes West"
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This one was way better. Starts out like flimsy premise, flimsy catalyst, okay here's the plot, but once it gets to that point it's right on. There's SOME PLANET Kirk wants to go to so he's all, "Yo, let's go to SOME PLANET even though they just expressly told us not to," so off they go and then Kirk, Spock, Chekov, Scotty and Bones wind up in a half-simulated (again, budget limitations made part of the plot) town in the old west where the OK Corral shootout is about to happen, only the Enterprise crew is the Clantons and the Earps are a buncha jerks who don't want to hear about how the Clantons aren't really the Clantons and they're from the future and space or whatever. So the whole thing is this buildup to the shootout, and in the meantime, Chekov's all up in this elaborately-dressed lady (assume she's a prostitute, but you couldn't say that on tv back then, so it's not addressed directly) and then he gets killed and there's some good Spocking as well, when he figures out it's all an illusion and he's all like, "NOTHING IS REAL, MAN," and then mindmelds with everyone else to convince them, and sure enough, the bullets go right through them. Like no injury. Then they're back on the ship and Chekov is brought back to life BECAUSE NO ONE SAYS WHY and the episode ends with the dickhead alien who sent them to the old west being like, "Yo, it's awesome you didn't kill those guys after they tried to kill you OR SOMETHING, come party with us," and so the episode ends with the Enterprise going to indoctrinate their beautiful dickheaded culture with the Federation's message of relentless capitalism and while male dominance. At least that's how I read it. Way better episode than the last one.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 9:28 pm 

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Location: cherry hill, nj
All right, I came on this forum for musical reasons but can't help chiming in here...

Really enjoying the reviews from the perspective of the first-time watcher. I grew up watching these things every afternoon in syndication (in the 70s, before VCRs, you could only watch what was on at the time, and Star Trek was waaaay better than anything else that was on). Let me say that I get (and respect) your desire to see the original versions, before the enhanced special effects. For me, having seen them all 30-40 times in their original version, I love the enhanced effects!

The reason I needed to post here was to say that, when time presents itself, you must go back and watch "The Galileo Seven" from Season 1 (you said you slept through most of it). One of my Top 5 favorites and the quintessential Spock episode. Phenomenal, despite the laughable monster-effects. Really develops the Spock character (plus some great Scotty stuff...when Bones and Boma are all over Spock, there's Scotty, solid as a rock). A must see

And "The Enemy Within" came before you started writing each of them up...my favorite Shatner episode, running the gamut from classic Shatner overacting ("I WANNA LIVE!!!!") to some actual quality nuanced work (love him as "Weak Kirk").

Anyway, gotta give you thanks for pointing out that the "Angela Martine" from Balance of Terror was the same "Angela Martine" in Shore Leave, having gotten over her fiancee in 1 week. All these years, and I never noticed that. In a similar vein, watch for Kirk's bedridden nephew from "Operation: Annihilate!" to return as the "leader" of the douchy kids in "And the Children Shall Lead". And the Klingon Koloth from "The Trouble With Tribbles", is, of course, also Trelane ("The Squire of Gothos")

Keep up the good work, and good luck with Season 3...there is some real dreck in there! (but a few classics too...)


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:14 pm 

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Where'd you go? The third season isn't that horrific....

Come back............


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:51 am 
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s03e07: Day of the Dove
aka: "Anyone Remember the Klingons? We haven't talked about them in a while!"

At first they were all like:

Image

But then they were:

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It's been a minute since I watched this one, but that's pretty much the gist of it. There's some distress call OR SOMETHING and they wind up with the Klingons on the Enterprise and then they fight and Kirk's all, "dude have you seen these guys they're terrible except for the one who I kinda want to space-bone except she's this dude's wife yo" and Spock goes, "bro, you noticed everyone going nuts over here?" and then it turns out there's some alien who feeds off everyone's hate and negativity CALLED CAPITALISM that's making everyone fight and if they all just stand around and awkwardly pretend to laugh it will go away.

Confession time: That miserable entity alien thing? It wasn't capitalism. It was me. I'm like that.

And so I cried after this episode. For a long time.

The best part was when Klingon Hottie almost gets raped and then like two seconds later Kirk is putting the moves on her. SMOOTH LIKE THAT.

Otherwise, a meh at best. And Klingon blackface is fucked up.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 9:24 am 
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I'm naming my next band "Klingon Blackface"

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 11:01 am 

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I can't wait until you get to "Way to Eden"

Please remove any firearms or sharp objects around you.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 8:17 pm 
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s03e08: For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky
aka: "In Space, Even Bones Can Get a Piece"

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So contrary to his charming smile above, Bones finds out he's dying at the start of this episode -- OMG THINK IT HAPPENS??? -- and then there's an asteroid that's gonna smash into some planet nobody's ever heard of and the Enterprise is like WHATEVERS Y'ALL WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING and they find out there's people living in the asteroid who think it's like the whole world but it's really just a mission sent to go crash into some other world from a dying planet OR SOMETHING like that's how you buy a house and then all of a sudden -- AND IN A SHOCKING TWIST -- the requisite space-hottie (who's kind of second rate anyway) is all like, "Yo I gotta get me some of this Bones" and Bones is all, "I could be into that and I'm dying anyway, so you know, space-duty, whatever" and is gonna stay but then he doesn't stay and also his space-dengue fever or whatever it is also turns out to be really easy to cure so he's cured and on the ship and Kirk's all like, "Oh Bones space-hotties are for me anyway" and Spock is there and then the asteroid isn't gonna crash anymore and it ends.

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Toss in some untethered commentary about religion-induced ignorance and that's more or less it top to bottom.

Possibly the best episode title yet (the real title, not mine, which was half-assed, admittedly), and apparently also the longest in the series. Not a bad episode, not really a landmark either.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 1:02 am 
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s03e09: Plato's Stepchildren
aka: "Dwarfs Had a Long Road to Get to Peter Dinklage"

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So Spock, Kirk and Bones end up on some planet that isn't supposed to have life on it but actually does. Then they're greeted by a dwarf who's like SOME DUDE is sick and needs a doctor and OH BY THE WAY this entire planet is based on Plato's philosophy. Only it isn't really. Like at all. They drop a couple quotes out of context, but that's as far as it goes.

And how do they know Plato? Something about they were on earth however long ago but wound up on this planet and haven't aged but have just spent the whole time philosophizing the mysteries of the universe concerning EVERYTHING BUT MEDICINE WHICH IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. So they need Bones to fix the infection killing the guy in charge and oh yeah, everyone except the dwarf has telekenetic powers so he's their slave and they all treat him like shit.

After Bones saves broham's life he and his lady are like, "So we're keeping the doctor because after 2000 years we just thought we need one like right now" and Kirk's all, "No way dude now you have to torture us," so they embarrass Spock and make Kirk punch himself in the face or something and then they bring down Uhura and Nurse Chapel and Spock sings and then everybody makes out a little but Kirk and Spock and Bones have figured out how to move stuff with their minds too so they stop the guy in charge from being a dick or whatever and then they leave and take the dwarf and Kirk is like, "Yo Scotty, I have a little surprise for you," and it's terrible because he's talking about a human being.

Seriously.

Trivia has it this was tv's first interracial kiss.

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It was awkward, weird, forced and short and accompanied by a bunch of discriminatory shit. Spock singing was way better.

Kind of nonsensical, but far from the low point of the series. Spock's Brain, maybe? Or that one with those fucking terrible kids.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:11 pm 

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h.p. taskmaster wrote:
Kind of nonsensical, but far from the low point of the series. Spock's Brain, maybe? Or that one with those fucking terrible kids.


You haven't seen the low point of the series until you get to Way to Eden. It makes Spock's Brain look like Balance of Terror.


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 Post subject: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:59 pm 

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The Lodger wrote:
h.p. taskmaster wrote:
Kind of nonsensical, but far from the low point of the series. Spock's Brain, maybe? Or that one with those fucking terrible kids.


You haven't seen the low point of the series until you get to Way to Eden. It makes Spock's Brain look like Balance of Terror.

That's an awesome episode

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:01 pm 

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I love this.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:42 pm 

Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2012 9:16 am
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The Lodger wrote:
You haven't seen the low point of the series until you get to Way to Eden. It makes Spock's Brain look like Balance of Terror.


C'mon, Herbert! Way to Eden was only, like, the 3rd or 4th worst episode they aired that month

I predict he doesn't even get that far. The urge to quit after seeing The Mark of Gideon will be too strong


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:13 pm 

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Whoever wrote those god damn songs needs to be on trial for war crimes.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 8:35 am 

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Six months with no Star Trek? I know you moved and all, so whatever slack you need, by all means. But we await your verdict on The Way to Eden, the most, ummm, "musical" episode of them all

Ending with Plato's Stepchildren would be too depressing….


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:58 pm 

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Don't watch Way To Eden. It has been known to cause self inflicted gunshots to the head.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:03 am 
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Been a while, and somewhere in there I think I lost an episode or got the numbers wrong, but here goes.

s03e11: Wink of an Eye
aka: The Omega Hottie

Image

Yea, and Star Trek prophecy did foretell of the coming of the Space Hottie To End All Space Hotties. Verily, she is the Omega Hottie, and she shall wear only three quarters of an outfit. Also she's impervious to lasers.

So uh, there's an episode that happens and stuff and whatever but seriously, this whole deal is about the space hottie. Her name is WHATEVER and she comes from SOME PLANET. The Enterprise is cruisin' like it does and they get the usual distress call blah blah, there's a weird buzzing sound on the planet but no people. One of the redshirts disappears but Kirk is like, "Whatever we out," so they go back to the ship and they're like, "Sorry folks, no adventure this week. On to boring procedural crap."

Then all the incandescent lightbulbs that they use in futurespace start going haywire there's more buzzing and Kirk disappears like the redshirt. Turns out the aliens -- there are four or five of them but only the Omega Hottie counts or has more than two lines -- are ACCELERATED because of SOME COLD WAR PARANOIA ABOUT RADIATION, so they're moving too fast for regular people to see.

These three are pretty much dopes:

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We learn that RADIATION MAKES YOU AWESOME, but also sterile, and apparently the Omega Hottie needs to breed, so of course she's picked Kirk for a mate. Kirk's like, "Well duh baby I'm prime beef," and blah blah blah, one of the other aliens is in love with Omega Hottie, the redshirt dies -- just didn't want to leave that string loose -- and Kirk's in danger, can't warn the crew, but then he does warn the crew and why didn't anyone think of slowing these people the fuck down oh wait they did and they can't do it until it takes Bones like TWO SECONDS to find out how.

Seriously. Two seconds.

Kirk makes a tape to warn Spock about what's going on because they're bros and then Spock drinks some water or something that one of the aliens touched and he gets accelerated to help Kirk and then Kirk finds him going to the life support because blah blah aliens want to kill the ship and then Kirk finds Spock in the hallway and makes this face at him:

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Because the only love that counts for anything in life is the virtuous hetero appreciation between two warriors on the same side and all else is fleeting and frivolous.

Whatever, they fix everything. Kirk tricks the Omega Hottie because she's a woman and as a man he's automatically able to do that even though she's the ruler of an entire race of people, and he steals her phaser and shoots the thing that's going to put the whole crew in suspended animation and they send them back to their planet without sharing any of the magical slowdown juice. Seriously. Kirk's like, "Baby I know we did it really fast and all but you got baggage with this other dude and I don't have time for that shit so peace," and then the show gives us all a "thanks for watching" with some last-second Omega Hottie leg on the transporter:

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Spock stays fast for a minute to fix everything on the ship -- more flashing lights! -- hooray for special effects! -- and no shit, when it's done, he calls it an "accelerating experience." I wanted to beat my head in with a hammer.

Omega Hottie comes up on the screen for a bit, but it's just the old tape. Kirk stares at it and is all, "Have that tape brought to my quarters for private viewing later," and, "So long, Omega Hottie," and then they're off to deliver the next batch of space-herpes to the next vaguely-willing '60s starlet.

Also, when I named this episode at first it said "Wino of an Eye" and I giggled because stoner rock.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:28 am 
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s03e12: The Empath
aka: "For the World is Hollow and Check out Our Soundstage"

Image

So these guys. They're not quite the buttheads from the first season. They're not quite not either. Their star is about to nova so they're all, "We're gonna be huge dicks about it." Kirk and Spock and Bones show up to evacuate people from a research station and the nutheads teleport them into a black backdrop soundstage that's a combo prison and lab or whatever.

There they meet Worried-Looking Space Hottie, who absorbs people's pain. She's the empath. Fine. Now I know where Ziggy Stardust got the look:

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She's mute. No lines. They must've been really making the show on the cheap at this point. Dark soundstage and an actress you don't have to pay for a speaking part. Woo hoo.

That's really the end of the plot and the rest of the episode just consists of the nutheads fucking with Kirk & Co. Kirk's all, "Dudes, the hell?" and they go, "Pff check out our nutbrains" and Spock gets one of their device things and then he's all, "Oh man no way I'm ever gonna figure this shit out, LOGICALLY SPEAKING," and then of course he does.

The nutheads are all getting off on torturing Kirk and then it comes out that they're like testing Worried Looking Space Hottie's powers of empathy to determine if they'll save her species when the star novas OR SOMETHING and the whole thing is even more pointless than I thought. They kill Bones for like no reason and Kirk has to carry him from the floor to a table because WHEN A PERSON HAS INTERNAL INJURIES YOU SHOULD ALWAYS MOVE THEM AS ROUGHLY AS POSSIBLE:

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Amazingly Whitney Houston does not play while this happens.

So the whole thing is whether or not Worried Looking Space Hottie will sacrifice herself to save Bones. The answer? Meh, kinda. Nutheads are all, "That's not good enough" and Kirk is like "Dude you guys are SUCH DICKS" and then the nutheads are like, "You know, we are dicks" and then they heal everybody and carry Worried Looking Space Hottie away when they go WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE.

The Enterprise has been held at bay by a solar flare storm which I don't think is a thing that exists but whatever to ACTUAL SCIENCE but somehow Kirk and Spock and Bones are back on the ship for some good timey banter and by that I mean racist anti-Vulcan humor. Bones is like, "Hey no emotions guy you don't feel any emotions" and Spock is all "Well it's a good thing I don't feel emotions because if I did I'd probably be really hurt at your discriminatory humor." Everybody laughs, Mr. Sulu, warp factor 2, episode over.

Face!

Image

The thing about this episode is that if you had actors and a couple props, you could TOTALLY do it as a stage play. How awesome would that be? Pair it with another minimalist-kind of episode and do it up as a 90-minute show? I think that would rule. Experimental kitsch sci-fi theater. Hell yes. Beyond that appeal though, pretty light on plot and run of the mill for the show's decline into formula.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 12:12 am 
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s03e13: Elaan of Troyius
aka: "The Craziest Bitch in Space"

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They start out talking shit on some bureaucrats and how it's a bogus mission, picking up some ruler from some planet and taking them to another. Plus, then they find out it's a woman -- and she's a pain in the ass, demanding things like respect just because she RUNS A FUCKING PLANET -- and whatever. So she's the Angry Space Hottie. Fine. I think we all know where this is gonna go, but first there's this fucking guy:

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He is THE GREEN DOUCHE. The whole thing is that Angry Space Hottie is pretty much being sold off to marry the leader of Green Douche's planet to stop a war. She's all pissed about it, and it's his job apparently to demean her into womanly submission so that she's not all uppity when she shows up on the planet Troyius to marry some other green douche.

Whatever. Fine. Kirk's all like, "Yeah whatevs" and I share the sentiment.

Light comedy ensues. Very light. Then Angry Space Hottie -- who I refuse to call Elaan if only not to reinforce 40-plus years later the self-satisfied cleverness of whoever decided to turn "Helen of Troy" into "Elaan of Troyius" -- stabs the ambassador. I marked that a win.

Image

In the meantime, there's a whole thing with Sparkle Shoulders here selling MAGIC CRYSTAL POWER secrets to Klingons -- the message being clear not to trust the savages -- but whatever. Kirk decides he has to put Angry Space Hottie in her place and this leads to three absolutely golden scenes:

1. Kirk berates Angry Space Hottie and actually sells the phrase, "That's another one of your problems," in response to her saying she didn't want to be told what to do. Fucking genius.

2. The gag is that Angry Space Hottie can put men under her spell with her tears. Crazy bitches, amirite? After the ambassador is stabbed, he's in sick bay and he explains to the nice nurse lady that MEN LOVE CRAZY BITCHES. OH THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH. BITCHES START CRYING AND MEN ARE LIKE, "YO, CRAZY BITCH, YOU'RE IN CHARGE NOW." So it goes with Kirk.

3. Bones and Spock show up and catch Kirk and Angry Space Hottie making out once she's got him under her BITCHES BE CRAZY spell and have this complete lack of surprise:

Image

They pull him aside for like a threeway spacebro-intervention and Spock's all, "Captain, logically speaking, bitches have indeed been shown to be substantively crazy," and then Kirk's like, "Thanks bros" and then he mans up because he's a real fucking man and he's gonna get Angry Space Hottie in line one way or another.

Sparkle Shoulders fucked with the ship though and the Klingons are coming, SOME THIN PLOT POINT about disputed space, blah blah. So there's a whole, how are they gonna fix it, but in the meantime, Angry Space Hottie shows up on the deck and she's wearing her wedding dress and all quiet. Kirk nailed her and brought her around WITH MAGIC DICK. That's why he's the fucking captain.

Some cool spaceship fighting ensues -- and Kirk's like, "Holy shit I'm so much smarter than Klingons because they're stupid communists" and that makes Chekov cry, and the Klingon ship ONCE AGAIN is shaped like a wang, and then the Enterprise wins because some necklace that Angry Space Hottie got was made out of JUST THE RIGHT MAGIC FUCKING CRYSTALS WHAT ARE THE CHANCES.

Next time we see Angry Space Hottie she's all "thanks Jim Kirk for teaching me my place as a woman" and submissive:

Image

She gives Kirk her knife because she's like "Hey I used to be a PROUD AS FUCK WARRIOR but in the span of like six hours you completely broke my psyche thanks for that by the way" and then there's a scene where Bones comes on the bridge and has a bro conference with Spock like, "Spacebro I made this antidote to CRAZY BITCHES we gotta give the captain" and Spock goes "Nah bro, logically speaking, the captain's too much of a man to be taken in by that shit because he loves his work more than he can love a woman and he's like, married to the ship or some shit because that's how you roll when you're a real man, dick."

To which Bones replies, "word." Episode over.

I know it's not supposed to be fair to hold something from the past up to a modern standard of social norms, but for as progressive as Star Trek has claimed to be all these decades about racial and political divides, women more or less get shit on on a per-episode basis. Presumably this is no longer the case by the time Captain Janeway shows up:

Image

Something tells me she wouldn't have that shit. Too bad they never put her and Kirk in the same room like they did with Picard in that one movie.

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