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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 11:50 am 

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h.p. taskmaster wrote:

I know it's not supposed to be fair to hold something from the past up to a modern standard of social norms, but for as progressive as Star Trek has claimed to be all these decades about racial and political divides, women more or less get shit on on a per-episode basis. Presumably this is no longer the case by the time Captain Janeway shows up:



The original series was nowhere close to progressive as some would have you believe. But The Next Generation did have strong female roles. Except for Troi, she was a throwback until like the 6th season.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 1:30 pm 
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AresOnasis wrote:
But The Next Generation did have strong female roles.


Dr. Crusher could've been a strong character if she was played by a better performer.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 4:31 pm 

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I don't know. There were episodes where she was pretty awesome, and some where she wasn't. She was way better than Pulaski though... Hated her.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:35 pm 
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I always thought Pulaski was a way to 'Bones McCoy' up the Med officers on the Enterprise.

I'm just saying Gates is not good actress.

Troi's mother, however, is a great example of a strong female character on Star Trek, if only an obscure one.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:41 am 

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I know what you're saying, and for the most part, I agree. She wasn't a good actress, but she carried a few episodes. Troi's mother was pretty awesome. Even though I hated her character, it was always interesting.

I can see the McCoy angle... McCoy was funnier though. Pulaski was just annoying to me.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:51 pm 
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s03e14: Whom Gods Destroy
aka: "Marta Complex"

Bones pretty much sits this one out. I guess they didn't want to overdo it on homely grumpiness. Still television after all. He's on the ship with Scotty.

The whole thing with this episode is that there are like 15 crazy people left in the universe. And they're all in the same asylum on some poison-ass backwater planet with like, one guard. The most deranged people ever, and one poor dude has to take care of them. So obviously homeboy gets his ass kicked.

It's not too long before Kirk and Spock get tricked by shapeshifting Snides McGee, some former starship captain who went all genocide on some planets after going off the deep end, and his green space hottie:

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He's crazy and wants to take over the universe, blah blah, and wants to start by taking over the Enterprise, and since he can conveniently shapeshift, he becomes Kirk and tries to get Scotty to beam him aboard, but can't because of a security chess problem Kirk has set up because he's a real man and he FUCKING THINKS OF EVERYTHING.

So okay, basically where it goes is Snides McGee -- who's name is Garth, party on Wayne -- tries to get the answer from Kirk who doesn't give up. There's a long thanks-for-watching interpretive dance from green space hottie:

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And later on she tries to both make out with and stab Kirk, but he doesn't play that shit. Garth, Party On Wayne keeps trying to get him to give up the answer but it never works. Meanwhile on the ship, Scotty is all, "WTF brah" to Bones because NotKirk didn't give him the chess answer but there's a forcefield OR SOMETHING so they can't send down a crew to save them or blast in with lasers or whatever. Even Bones is like, "fuck we're useless." They sure are.

Spock's all in a cell and Garth, Party On Wayne blows up his green space hottie with some super explosive and then goes to his crazy-ass henchmen -- who seem awfully obedient for being so fucking crazy -- "Yo go get Spock, Ima fuck him up and make Kirk watch because it's like a dominant man thing," but the henchmen who are dumb and have no lines get taken in by Spock and a fucking ace double Vulcan neck pinch that's the most kickass thing I've seen all season:

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Spock goes back into where Kirk and Garth, Party On Wayne and the controls for the forcefield and whatever are and then there's two Kirk's and it's a whole shoot-him-no-shoot-him thing. There's a fight and Spock shoots the right one, then the Enterprise sends down some more medicine and SOME MORE FUCKING GUARDS FOR THE DANGEROUS CRAZY PEOPLE WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT? and then Kirk's like, "Yo how'd you know it was me" and Spock goes "Cuz you lost the fight like a punk" and then Kirk's all manhurt and he goes, "Well you got hit on the head something something King Solomon" and then they make up and hug it out like good spacebros.

Also apparently mental illness is cured forever. They go see Garth, Party On Wayne and he doesn't remember any of it. Pretty convenient for him, I'd say.

Good episode.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:54 pm 
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s03e15: Let That be Your Last Battlefield
aka: "The One about Racism in America"

A couple episodes ago I noted how progressive Star Trek has claimed to be on race. I guess this episode is part of why, and I guess that particularly for its time, 1969, it was. This episode probably had a more complex analysis of the racial situation at the time than just about anything on tv does now, not that that's saying much. And I'll add that this was also a rare space hottie-free episode (unless you count Uhura, which I most certainly do). No scantily clad aliens for Kirk to mack on, just the Riddler and some other dude who I can only assume is Patton Oswalt's dad:

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So they hate each other. The Enterprise picks up Mr. Oswalt Sr. and he's like, "Yo I'm a freedom fighter and I stole some friggin' shuttle thing because I'm being chased by the Riddler," and Kirk goes, "You're a dick buddy, that's sahbatage" (because apparently he's Canadian in this episode) and then the Enterprise is all gonna crash into a ship but it turns out to be the Riddler who just shows up on the bridge and is all, "Holy shit I'm so in charge of this here."

The Riddler hates Mr. Oswalt Sr. and keeps talking about how he's going to take him back to their planet and Kirk's all like, "Hey buddy it's my ship eh?" and then they get in a pissing match where Kirk orders the ship to self-destruct and the Riddler's all, "No way you're full of shit" and Kirk gives him the ol' captain's eyes:

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So there's a countdown on -- DO YOU THINK THEY BLOW UP THE SHIP??? -- and then the Riddler gives control back because Kirk is JUST THAT MUCH OF A MAN and whatever blah blah they go back to some planet where they're trying to cure a disease by, uh, flying over it in orbit? I don't know, they don't really get too deep into it. Other than to say millions of lives are at stake. Business as usual, yo.

Kirk and Spock sit down for drinks with the Riddler and they're like, "Why all the hate? Why can't you guys be spacebros like we are?" and then the Riddler's like, "Yo, dumbasses! He's got his black and white on the other side!" and they're all, "That's arbitrary and stupid."

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And that's the point when a giant fist reaches out of the television to ACTUALLY BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE RACIAL COMMENTARY.

They go back to the bridge and the Riddler takes over the ship again and dismantles the self-destruct doodad OR SOMETHING and in the meantime, Mr. Oswalt is all, "Yo you guys gotta kill this crazy motherfucker!" and then they're at their planet and the whole thing is destroyed and there's nobody fucking left because there was a race war between the people with the white and black on one side and the other. DO YOU GET IT? LET THE HEALING BEGIN!

Or not quite. The Riddler starts chasing Mr. Oswalt through the ship:

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Mr. Oswalt finds the transporter room and beams himself down to his dead-as-hell planet, and then the Riddler follows him. Kirk's all like, "LET GO OF YOUR HATE white people" except he says the last part all quiet and no one heard him. That's why there's still racism.

Okay, so get this. After the Riddler beams down to the dead-as-hell planet to chase Mr. Oswalt, the Enterprise just LEAVES THEM BOTH THERE. Like, that's it. They go, "well that was a fucking bummer, but at least we got that shuttle back" and then they split. The end. The last two fucking people of that race about which they knew like nothing, and off you go to ALSO kill each other. Enjoy cannibalism!

Yeah, it was more than a little heavy handed -- at one point Chekov says something about how he read about oppression in a history book or some nonsensical shit -- but still pretty good, and the Riddler has a crazy physicality to him like his body is made of rubber, so I'll still mark this one a win.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 4:10 am 

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I love Frank Gorshin

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2013 12:03 am 
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s03e16: The Mark of Gideon
aka: "The Return of the Space Hottie"

Some more classic diplomat/bureaucrat bashing in this one. Even Spock gets in on it and at one point is like, "Logically speaking, diplomats are useless and/or ill-intentioned jerks," and high-fives Bones. Sure enough, the episode proves him right. Funny how that works.

The Enterprise is at the planet Gideon doing some diplomatic thing trying to get them to join the Federation OR SOME FLIMSY PREMISE even though the ambassador of the planet is a monumental dick:

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Him and his bald-headed mustachioed weridos. Kirk's all like, "Yo I'm gonna beam down by myself and win you over with my awesome many charms," so he goes about that.

He winds up in the Enterprise, like he didn't go anywhere, except it's all empty and he can't find anyone. He gets on the intercom and runs through just about EVERY NAMED CHARACTER. He's like, "Spock. Bones. Chekov. Scotty. Uhura. Sulu. That nurse lady. The yeoman I totally nailed that one time. That other yeoman I lied to about it. Whoever." But nobody's there. He's all bummed and then he walks down the hall and finds a space hottie just dancing in the hallway like she owns the place.

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Kirk's all "Yo I get it that you're a space hottie and don't get me wrong we're TOTALLY GONNA DO IT but wtf are you doing on my ship and who put you here and why does my arm hurt and I lost nine minutes of time and none of this makes any fucking sense and without Spock or Bones here there's just about NO FUCKING WAY I'M EVER GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT I'M NOT REALLY ON MY SHIP AT ALL."

For real. Watching Kirk claw his way toward the realization that he's not on the ship is excruciating. Meanwhile, Spock's all on the ship trying to figure out where the Kirk went, and the dickhead ambassador -- LIKE ALL DIPLOMATS -- lies through his teeth and is like, "I don't know but I'm gonna twist your words around on you because you should be afraid of people with big brains who can do that." So I guess to kill time or whatever, Kirk and the space hottie do it. Obviously. Then they see a bunch of faces in the window.

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Space hottie, whose name is WHATEVER, gets sick. Coincidence that she becomes deathly ill so soon after "reading the Captain's log?" Unlikely.

So he's like "Oh no I just killed a bitch" and is carrying her to sickbay when the dickhead ambassador comes out with these two bodysuit-wearing guards who look like even bigger jerks than he does:

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Also kind of like the scissor-nihilists from The Big Lebowski, but in black:

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Anyway, the ambassador's like, "Yo that's my daughter but we wanted her to get sick because no one on this planet ever dies OR SOMETHING and it's super-overpopulated and you got sick one time with some kind of meningitis we just made up and we want your blood so we can start killing people with illness naturally AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET A DISEASE CULTURE WAS TO ELABORATELY TRICK YOU BY CREATING THIS FAKE REPLICA OF YOUR SHIP YOU DUMBASS."

Also it's never explained why there's a bunch of faces AND THEY'RE ALL LOOKING IN THE WINDOW OF THE SHIP:

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Welcome to my fucking Star Trek-themed nightmare.

Meanwhile Spock's got it all figured out. He beams down, takes out the guards in KICKASS style and is like, "Spacebro I mean captain, logically speaking, these guys are dicks" and then he points his thumb at the ambassador and Kirk's all, "dude I know it" and they chestbump and then beam back to the ship with homeboy's daughter, who's way sick and talking like, "Oh Jim Kirk it's too bad we couldn't be together forever," and he's like, "Uh yeah, that sucks."

Bones cures her like a boss and then Kirk's all, "So I guess you'll be getting back to your planet" and space hottie's like, "Sorry I tricked you before and TOTALLY LIED. There a jillion fucking people on my planet but YOU'VE GOT MAGIC DICK AND I FRICKIN' LOVE YOU" and Kirk SAYS NOTHING IN RESPONSE because he's played a thousand space hotties in his day and then the episode ends.

Sorry baby, five-year mission. You ain't the first. Roll credits.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2013 9:18 am 
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These need to be published in a book entitled Sorry baby, five-year mission. You ain't the first.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sun Dec 15, 2013 12:14 am 
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s03e17: That Which Survives
aka: "The Search for a Less Likable Spock."

I guess somewhere along the line someone in the writer's room -- because back then WRITERS COULD AFFORD TO HAVE WHOLE ROOMS! -- decided to make Spock less likable. "You know, Spock's been kicking a lot of ass lately with his double-neck-pinch and figuring stuff out. Let's have an episode where he's the biggest douche on the Enterprise."

And so it went.

Also a bunch of inexplicable new/different characters in this episode and everyone's a different race.

An Italian chief geologist?

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A Subcontinental Asian helmswoman?

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And when Bones beams down, not only is the guy who takes over the medical bay a black dude, but they also mention another medical officer named Sanchez, though he's never shown on camera.

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It's like Star Trek got some press off the race episode and decided to start parading out different ethnicities all at once. "Holy shit, find me an Indian woman!"

The space hottie -- WHO WAS THE DEADLIEST OF THEM ALL -- was of indiscriminate race:

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I only really bring it up because of that episode with the Riddler a couple back, and because all these characters were new and introduced at the same time. No more Chekov, wherever he went. He got replaced by this generic looking white guy:

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See you at the convention, bro.

Sulu, on the other hand, beamed down with Kirk and Bones and the geologist, which seemed like a promotion.

Also, between those four in the landing party YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO DIED FIRST. Yup, the character who's never been seen before. Way to nail it.

So they're at this planet and they're like, "Well there's no life, but it looks interesting." Spock's got a science boner for it, but he doesn't beam down. He takes command of the ship. Meanwhile, before Kirk, Bones, Sulu and the geologist, whose name is D'Amato -- which they pronounce as "dee-amato," because there's never been an Italian on the Enterprise -- leave the Enterprise, the DEADLIEST SPACE HOTTIE just magically appears and goes, "Yo you shouldn't go down there because you're like gonna die and whatever."

But they're already beaming down. She kills the redshirt working the transporter though, just so you know shit's for real.

There's like an earthquake on the planet or something and then the ship is thrown SOME RIDICULOUS NUMBER OF LIGHT YEARS away. Sulu's all like, "Stupid conjecture, Captain!" and Kirk goes, "Man that's why we haven't taken you anywhere since the first season," and then the space hottie shows up and kills the geologist by touching him and de-SOMETHING-OR-OTHERING his cells.

Back on the ship they're like, "Damn we gotta get back and see if the captain's alive," and Spock who's a dick now is like, "Logically speaking, all you emotional bitches are a pain in my rational ass." Scotty says something about how he'll get the ship back to the planet as fast as he can and Spock just lays out some shitty comeback on him:

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Cue crickets.

So they're warp speeding it back on the quick and shit's getting dire on the planet. Space hottie shows up on the ship again in the engineering room, kills another redshirt and then puts the engines into about-to-burst-apart overdrive OR SOMETHING and Scotty's all, "Dude we're fucked" and Spock's like, "You suck for letting the fact that you're going to die bother you," and then they decide to fix it or whatever.

Meantime, on the planet, space hottie's there again and is like, "YO I WANNA KILL JAMES KIRK" and Kirk's like, "I'm too much of a man for that shit so I'm not gonna let you touch me and I'll put Bones and Sulu in the way since you're not here to kill them now even though you were a bit ago."

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They start asking her questions and FOR WHATEVER REASON she actually answers them, talking about who she is or whatever. I don't even know, it's pretty thin at that point. It's actually kind of like someone decided the episode had enough plot and wasn't going to bother seeing it through until the end when they could reveal it all at once.

The ship's rushing back though and the engines are about to blow up. Spock's still in MEGADICK mode and he goes, "Yo Scotty fix that shit, logically speaking," and then Scotty's all, "Dude I can't" and Spock's like, "Dude I'm so fucking sick of listening to human beings whine about shit. Logically speaking, go crawl in the fucking tube thing."

So Scotty mans up and crawls in the tube thing. He's like, "Yo I'll be a real man like Jim Mahfuckin Kirk and it doesn't matter because I'm dead either way." He gets two redshirts to lift him into the tube thing where he needs to override the overdrive.

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I don't know if those lightning bolts were in the original version, but they were in the crappy digital redux version and that's what I watched. Whatever.

ANYWAY, Scotty can't fix it but then he does fix it. Spock's even a dick about that. The ship doesn't blow up. Bones, Kirk and Sulu are in some room they found or something and it turns out there's a big computer in a cube that's generating deadly space hotties to kill them all.

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They're cornered by a trio of space hotties and Kirk's like, "Yo if we survive this shit I'm gonna have a wicked four-way with these space hotties" and Bones goes "Yo I fucking hate you but not really." Then Spock beams in with some bulky redshirt whose pants are up way high and has him shoot the cube-puter and then the space hotties disappear and some video of the space hottie comes on to give THE ENTIRE EPISODE'S WORTH OF EXPOSITION: Blah blah defense system, dead planet outpost, blah blah blah some disease whatever whatever I'm the last and I'll make projections of myself to guard this planet because NO REASON AT FUCKING ALL.

Bones is like, "Damn she was pretty hot" and Spock is all "Whatever who cares?" and Jim Kirk is like, "Yo Spock cool your shit space hotties are awesome." Then they beam their shit out of there and I guess whatever they went down there for in the first place they just figured screw it. One geologist, a couple redshirts, and five or six new characters who may or may not ever show up again later, the credits roll.

I guess it veered away some from the formula, but I wasn't really feeling it. Spock is like the best character on the show. Why screw that up?

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 16, 2013 12:29 am 
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This is my 2000th post. They weren't all about space hotties. Just the good ones.

s03e18: The Lights of Zetar
aka: "Scotty's Space Hottie"

First off, when I saw the opening credits I was like, "Golly I wonder if that's the same Shari Lewis who had that fucking Lambchop puppet." Yes, it was. She apparently co-wrote this one. Miraculously, no puppets. Not even a tribble.

The whole thing with this episode is like, "Ooooh Scotty's got a girlfriend." He's all gaga over some space-lass and Kirk has this opening monologue about being lonely in space like he's gone more than two episodes at a time without nailing a space hottie, but then he kind of gets annoyed because Mr. Scott should be a real man and not let his womens interfere with his manly duties to the ship OR WHATEVER but Scotty's not having any of it and he's all about his lady, and when he condescends to her she makes this awesome face:

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I forget what she does or oh wait I never cared but they're all going to Memory Alpha -- which I was like, "Oh that's the name of the Star Trek Wiki that I stole all those images from" -- which made sense because I guess Memory Alpha is like the library at Alexandria. It's where the galaxy keeps all its knowledge. No, there are no defense shields. Duh.

En route they run into these crazy lights. Sure enough, the Lights of Zetar. The lights make the ship all screwy and mess with different parts of everyone's brain and Scotty's space hottie passes out but she's the only one.

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They look like fireworks in space. ANYHOO, they're like, "well that was fucked" and space hottie is like "whoa weird shit's happening and I can see the future" and Scotty's like no way we're gonna be in love forever and never die and other creepy shit that he should tone down because everyone knows space hotties like to be treated like dirt better and then some more stuff happens and they find out the lights are going to Memory Alpha.

It gets good here for a while because the lights go to Memory Alpha and just WRECK SHIT. Kirk's like, "Oh man their shit got wrecked who's down there" and Spock pretty much goes, "Logically speaking, it's just some academics so no big deal, yo." And Kirk's like, "Whatevs we're beaming down anyway because I'm bored or something."

They go and everyone's dead and they're like OH I GUESS THE GALAXY JUST LOST ALL ITS KNOWLEDGE BECAUSE IT'S THE FUTURE AND THERE'S NO CLOUD COMPUTING OR WHATEVER BUT NO BIGGIE BECAUSE WE LOATHE AND FEAR THE INTELLECTUAL CLASS ANYWAY. Then they find a lady who's not quite dead and her face lights up and she makes weird noises:

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Kirk's all, "Yo Scotty's space hottie was saying the same croaky shit get her ass down here" and Scotty's like "Hey cool it man I LOVES THIS SPACE HOTTIE" and Kirk's like, "Man up and love your job, dick." But whatever, they bring space-lass down like for no reason then go back up to the ship to talk about it.

She's like, "I don't know what's happening because I'm just a space hottie and isn't it about time I got slapped?" but no it's not time yet. Scotty's like, "Bitch told me she could see the future and I was like no biggie." But it turns out her brain waves match the light's brain waves OR SOMETHING and she's like got them in her or whatever from the first time the light came.

Heh.

So the lights wind up like following the ship through space and Kirk's like, "We gotta have like a space exorcism in a pressure chamber WITH NOTHING EVEN VAGUELY REPRESENTING A SCIENTIFIC BASIS FOR IT AT ALL" and they go to an "anti-grav" which you'll never guess what that's short for.

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Before they can get her in the lights come back and then they can talk to the Zetar people through Scotty's space hottie -- because as a woman she's his; he owns her and having fulfilled her womanly duty and FOUND A MAN she no longer has need or purpose for her own agency because HER MAN will take care of that for her -- and they're like, "Yo our planet died like forever ago and space-lass' brain waves match ours so we're taking over her body" and for a second Scotty's like, "Whatever that works as long as I can still tap that ass" and they're like "No dice" so then it's a problem.

The zetar people in the light survived after their planet died though because of SOME FLIMSY EXPLANATION THAT, AGAIN, HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH HOW SCIENCE WORKS, but Kirk and Co. are still like, "We gotta get these dinguses outta here" and so they stick the space-lass in the pressure chamber.

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But here's the thing, right? They put her in there, and like Bones and Spock keep adding atmospheres of pressure, but she never stops floating. She never gets crushed. I was like, "Yo what the hell is this space hottie made of?" and it was like invincible space hottie or whatever. She should've been a space-lass pancake. Minor gripe I guess.

Whatever. The lights leave and even though these were the last people from that culture, Kirk and everybody just like killed their life-force or whatever because THAT'S HOW BAD SCOTTY NEEDS A PIECE and then they're like, "Okay so I guess this lady has her work cut out for her RESTORING THE ENTIRE COMPENDIUM OF HUMAN KNOWLEDGE so let's get back to Memory Alpha" and then they leave and that's it.

I'm guessing that's the last we hear about space-lass. Probably at some point Kirk'll sit Scotty down and explain to him the facts of life and how space hotties are only for the moment or whatever and real men never enter into meaningful committed relationships because BEING A MAN MEANS BEING READY TO DIE IN BATTLE FOR MEANINGLESS CAUSES AND WOMEN MAKE YOU WEAK or something.

Also Chekov was back, Sulu was back at his post and all the new characters from the last episode? Yeah, never seen or heard from again. Way to go, Lambchop.

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Continuity!

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 16, 2013 10:12 am 

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Arzgarth wrote:
These need to be published in a book entitled Sorry baby, five-year mission. You ain't the first.


I'll second that.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 16, 2013 8:55 pm 

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I just noticed that the space hottie from "That Which Survives" aka "The Search For A Less Likeable Spock" had some serious camel toe. I'm shocked Kirk wasn't paralyzed by it's power.

Behold:
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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:52 am 
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#2001: A Post Odyssey.

s03e19: Requiem for Methuselah
aka: "The Farmer's Daughter"

So all of a sudden -- because that's totally how these things happen ESPECIALLY IN SPACE -- there's a plague on the ship. Spacebubos or something. I don't know. They need some root, there's some planet with the root, Kirk, Spock and Bones beam down. There's seriously like 10 seconds spent on establishing the plot here.

Planet's supposed to be lifeless but GUESS WHAT IT ISN'T OMG SPOILER and they're not there for like 30 seconds before they run into PAISLEY SHAZAM and his killer colander robot:

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Here's the conversation between Paisley Shazam and Jim Kirk:

Paisley Shazam: "Bitch you NEED to get off my planet."

Jim Kirk: "Whatevs dick we NEED somma these roots and we're gettin' 'em even if I have to beat your wrinkled ass."

Paisley Shazam: "Okay come to my house!"

I have no idea how they got from A to B on that one. Like none. But whatever. Paisley Shazam is like, "Yo, don't sweat that plague shit because my killer colander robot'll grab those roots and we'll have you getting the fuck outta here in no time." Everyone's agreeable so they go back to Paisley's Pad, which is what the sign on the door says.

Spock and Bones are like, "Yo this guy's got like DaVincis and shit and Shakespeare's mullet and Steve Guttenberg's Bible and whatever" but Jim Kirk could give a rat's ass until Paisley Shazam introduces them to his space hottie.

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It starts getting weird but in a cool way. There's something screwy with the robot so Bones goes off to fix it and process the root OR SOMETHING THAT GETS HIM OUT OF THE SCENE and then Jim Kirk and the Farmer's Daughter are playing pool and she's all really good and shit and Paisley Shazam is kinda getting off on it but kinda pissed at the same time and then Spock starts playing a waltz and Jim Kirk and the Farmer's Daughter start dancing and it's ridiculous and he's like putting the moves on her IMMEDIATELY and like touching and rubbing on her and whatnot like he's playing it smooth but it just comes across creepy. Creepylarious I mean.

Spock's like, "Logically speaking it's kinda weird that I just played a new waltz by Brahms" and Jim Kirk is like, "Dude I SERIOUSLY COULD NOT CARE LESS" and then he winds up in Paisley Shazam's lab looking for Bones or whatever. The space hottie comes in and he sneaks up behind her and they kinda start making out BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET WOMEN, RIGHT? and then the killer colander comes in all like it's gonna fuck him up:

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Spock shows up and destroys it and is like, "Captain, logically speaking, you need to cool it with the bitches," and Jim Kirk's like "I'D SOONER FUCKING DIE," and they go back to the living room or wherever and Paisley Shazam goes "Yo sorry about that killer colander robot I've got another I just made though because I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT AND ALSO A VERY EFFICIENT WORKER" and so the robot goes to help Bones because something else was screwed up and then Paisley Shazam and the Farmer's Daughter split and Spock and Jim Kirk are like, "This is kinda fucked."

Pretty sure Spock had it down the whole time, but Jim Kirk is like, "Whatever, let's get our shit and get outta here," and then the space hottie shows up again and they do a little more super-awkward making out and then they go to the lab again and whatever happens and they find a secret room with other Farmer's Daughters like under sheets and shit and Paisley Shazam -- who it's never really clear if he's her dad or what; she's supposed to be his "ward," which I think they might've just included to make fun of Batman -- comes in and is like, "Guess what bitches I'm Leonardo DiCaprio and also Moses and Brahms and a bunch of other people because I'm the Highlander. Also you can't leave because I don't want anyone to find out and I'm going to shrink your ship and put it on this table."

Then he does the I Dream of Jeannie head-boing thing and the ship is there:

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Spock's like, "Yeah I knew that shit, logically speaking, but I just kept it to myself because LOGIC," and then Jim Kirk and Paisley Shazam fight over the space hottie because Paisley Shazam is like "She's a robot I made because regular womens always die and shit" but Jim Kirk is all, "I love this robot and I'm confused about it so whatever let's fight because I AM A MAN AND THAT IS HOW MEN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS," and then the Farmer's Daughter comes in and is like, "Yo this is fucked," but then she MAGICALLY attains consciousness.

Jim Kirk goes, "Yo, what the hell bro? You used me because EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE DAVINCI AND ALEXANDER THE GREAT AND ALL THESE INCREDIBLY PASSIONATE PEOPLE you couldn't turn on this space hottie and give her consciousness and I could because I'm the best space hottie mack in the galaxy AND THE ONLY WAY A WOMAN CAN EVER GAIN INDIVIDUALITY IS THROUGH A REAL MAN LIKE ME," and Paisley Shazam is like pretty much and they fight more or some shit.

But the space hottie is all upset. She gets caught in a loop of loving Jim Kirk and loving Paisley Shazam and then she dies because THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO WOMEN WHO TRY TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS. I guess Paisley Shazam just shrugs his shoulders and some shit because then they're back on the ship.

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Kirk's all mopey like a punk because he loved a robot and he complains to Spock and then he falls asleep in two seconds sitting at his desk. Bones comes in and goes "Blah blah Paisley Shazam isn't immortal anymore and he's gonna stop being a dick for whatever reason OH AND ALSO WE CURED THAT PLAGUE BY THE WAY" and then lays into Spock pretty hard like fucking Hannibal Lecter telling him he'll never know what it means to experience the joys and pains of love. Then he drops the mic and walks out because he knows he just said some SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP SHIT TO HIS COWORKER BUT HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK.

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So Spock's there I guess not giving a shit either way but kind of giving a shit because he's half human and then he goes over to sleepytime Jim Kirk and does a mind-meld thing to make him forget that he loved that robot Farmer's Daughter.

I couldn't help but think of how awesome it would be if that's what happened every time Kirk fell in love, if Spock went and erased his mind, if that was his duty on the ship, to keep Kirk from ever really loving and that Kirk was so desperate to connect with all these space hotties because some part of him was always in mourning for the loves he lost when Spock wiped his brain clean, like he always felt something was missing and couldn't figure out what or why.

But no, that didn't happen. Kirk's just a horny sociopath.

Good episode. Right the core of the characters.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 6:20 pm 

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Keep far far away from sharp objects on the next one HP. It will make you want to stab yourself in balls.


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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 1:46 am 
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s03e20: The Way to Eden
aka: "Who Let These Hippies into Space?"

Two things make this episode AMAZING.

1: One of the space-hippies is an ambassador's son.

2: It first aired 10 months before Charles Manson was arrested.

Also -- FUCKING EVERYTHING.

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Seriously dude. Space hippies. And Jim Kirk is a square, but Spock's hip? Come on, it's fucking GENIUS. And you've got Murdock from Rambo as a space hippie who sings psychedelic folk songs about finding paradise on another planet??? I defy you to tell me how that isn't the coolest shit in the world.

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The pants alone are tv gold!

So the Enterprise happens on this stolen shuttle, and they pull it in on the tractor beam and then blah blah blah THEY'RE FUCKING SPACE HIPPIES. Dude it's so good. By the time Jim Kirk gets down to the transport room they're fucking having a SIT-IN FOR NO REASON AT ALL and fucking Murdock is calling people "Herbert" and shit.

But Spock is down. He talks to the space hippies and is like, "Logically speaking, peace man" and they fucking eat it up BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO SPOCK IS FUCKING AWESOME and then the hippies are all uncooperative but they have this weirdo Ear Guy as their leader and he's like, "Check out how uncooperative we are" and Kirk's like "The hell bro?" and the space hippies are like, "Get bent."

Then Kirk and Spock go back to the bridge and NO BULLSHIT Jim Kirk goes, "What's a Herbert?"

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And it's like the most vulnerable moment he's had in three seasons of the show BECAUSE HE'S BEEN THE MAN THE WHOLE TIME AND NOW HE'S NOT COOL. The whole dynamic is turned upside down. Also BY SOME AMAZING SPACE-COINCIDENCE Chekov knows the Russian space hippie hottie who DROPPED OUT of Starfleet Academy and TUNED IN to only wearing about 30% of a shirt.

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Chekov's a dope. Meanwhile, the space hippies are trying to convert young crew members to their cause WHICH IS WHAT EXACTLY I DON'T REALLY KNOW and then Bones has given everyone a medical and Ear Guy is a carrier for some space typhoid OR SOMETHING and that's why they want to go find paradise because he won't be able to kill anyone AGAIN, OR SOMETHING and Spock's like, "Okay so if you guys stop being dicks I'll use the ship to find the planet Eden and help you get there, logically speaking" and Ear Guy's all, "Fucking a."

Kirk pretty much throws up his hands and is like, "Look, their women don't want to make out with me I've pretty much got nothing," but Chekov gets a piece off open-backed space hottie while WHOOPS TELLING HER LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW THE SHIP WORKS. DOPE. And then Murdock goes to see Spock and is like, "Bro you wanna jam with us?" And SPOCK IS LIKE "YES LOGICALLY SPEAKING I WOULD LIKE TO FUCKING THROW DOWN SOME GROOVES" AND HOLY SHIT IT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENS FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES.

Ear Guy is locked up in quarantine or whatever but Murdock and the other space hippies have a concert in the lounge or whatever and then Spock joins in and other space hippie hottie plays a bicycle wheel or something and it rules so hard I thought my skull was going to cave in.

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So yeah, it turns out Ear Guy is nuts. Utterly foreseeable, except apparently by naive space hippies OH SPACE HIPPIES WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? He takes over the ship because Chekov told the space hottie how to do it and then takes them to Eden which was a myth like five minutes ago but oh wait there it is and it's in Romulan territory but don't worry because the episode isn't long enough to add the extra layer of complexity that a fight with the Romulans would bring, but then the other hippies are like, "So uh, how are we gonna get off the ship" and Ear Guy WHO IS TOTALLY SPACE CHARLIE MANSON goes, "It's cool brah, we're just gonna kill everyone a little" and they blast some ultrasonic WHATEVER after Murdock sings another song that some doom band needs to cover IMMEDIATELY.

Jim Kirk doesn't die though BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SQUARE REPRESENTING AN IMPERIALIST POWER AND THE GALAXIAL MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX HE'S A REAL FUCKING MAN AND IT TAKES MORE THAN FREQUENCIES TO KILL HIM. Also, everyone else is fine in like two seconds too. But Jim Kirk was fine first, because he's Jim Fucking Kirk.

But the space hippies have swiped a shuttle and gone down to the planet. Kirk and Chekov and Spock and Bones beam down too and when they get there, Chekov burns his hand on a flower because IT'S ALL MADE OF ACID and then they find Murdock dead because he ate a piece of fruit DO YOU GET IT HIPPIES ACID WILL KILL YOUR ASS EVEN THOUGH IT NEVER DID.

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Ear Guy/Space Manson is like, "Fuck it, this is all I got and I'm crazy anyway" and he runs out and eats a piece of fruit so he dies too and they just leave him and Murdock there because WHATEVER SCREW THOSE HIPPIES and go back up to the ship to take the other space hippies to the one space hippie's ambassador dad BECAUSE THE FACT THAT THESE ARROGANT AS FUCK SPACE HIPPIES DELUDING THEMSELVES INTO BELIEVING THEY CAN CHANGE THE WORLD ARE THE SPOILED CHILDREN OF PRIVILEGE IS THE MOST SUBTLE SOCIAL COMMENTARY THIS SHOW HAS EVER HAD and Chekov's space hottie comes to say goodbye to him on the bridge.

They're doing some light making out and Spock butts in to deliver the moral of the story and he goes, "Yo, space hippie hottie, logically speaking, it's cool to be a hippie, but Charles Manson is fucked and you gotta watch out for that shit." And she's like, "Right on."

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And then Spock goes back to his post and Jim Kirk's like, "I'm cool now, right?" and Spock doesn't say anything cuz NOT THIS TIME, BRO.

From the costumes to the songs to the terrible wigs to really just about everything, this was phenomenal, and a portrayal of hippies worthy of comparison to Blue Boy from Dragnet some two years earlier. Killer.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:44 am 

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this has always been my favorite episode...and murdoch from rambo is also the singer and driver of the winnebago of the good ole boys in the blues brothers....that guy was amazing


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 12:30 pm 

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The songs that he sings makes me want to grab the first living thjng I can find and kill it.

"His name was Adam" *hangs self*

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 12:45 am 
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s03e21: The Cloud Minders
aka: "Call Me When You Got No Class Warfare"

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Please note, Rodney Dangerfield has nothing to do with this episode, I just needed him to sell the 'aka' reference.

OKAY. SO. What ya got here is yer basic TWO SPACE HOTTIE PROBLEM. See, ya got one space hottie and yer good to go, but two space hotties? Well, that's when the fit hits the shan. A two space hottie problem.

Space hottie #1 is Stepford Wives Space Hottie.

She's the stand-in for like the naive upper crust, clueless to the oppression that allows for her comfortable existence.

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Space hottie #2 is Feisty Space Hottie.

She's the stand-in for the politically conscious underclass, having opinions and doing crazy stuff like demanding equality.

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Pretty much the only thing these two have in common is a penchant for unfinished formalwear.

Usually when there's a plague or a planet about to be wiped out or something it's a backdrop plotpoint for getting the Enterprise involved in some completely different struggle. I guess that's the case in this episode too, the plague just gets brought up more.

SOME PLANET is about to be wiped out so the Enterprise shows up on SOME OTHER PLANET and Kirk and Spock beam down to the front of some mine and take a second to appreciate the city in the clouds which is where rich people live.

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Then all of a sudden they get attacked by miners who wear glasses like Moleman in Marvel Comics and their leader who turns out to be Feisty Space Hottie when she shows up later, and Kirk puts an awesome dropkick on but Mandy Patinkin's Dad comes down from CLOUD CITY THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT I SAID IT TREK HAD IT FIRST SUCK IT GEORGE LUCAS and scares the miners off by killing one like it's nothing.

Also I'm pretty sure the set for the "mine" which is where the WHATEVER IT IS that the Enterprise needs comes from is the same from a couple episodes ago in that one with the triplet space hotties that Kirk was gonna try to mack on.

ANYHOO, Kirk's all like, "Uh bro you just killed a dude" and Mandy Patinkin's Dad acts all hard about it like WHATEVER, YO, and then Kirk and Spock go up to his house because Feisty Space Hottie ran off and Mandy Patinkin's Dad is all, "We'll get that WHATEVER IT IS if we have to kill all the poor people to do it because fuck those poor people. If they had half a brain they'd be rich like my ass."

They all go up to Mandy Patinkin's Dad's place in CLOUD FUCKING CITY and then Mandy Patinkin's Dad is like, "Yo meet my daughter, Stepford Wives Space Hottie," and Jim Kirk gives a little nod of approval like SHE'LL DO NICELY but she's more into Spock because IN SPACE EVEN THE VULCANS NEED TO SCORE. Then Mandy Patinkin's Dad finds a knife in some piece of art and is like "DAMN THESE POOR PEOPLE WANTING BASIC RIGHTS LIKE TO EARN A GOOD LIFE BY WORKING HARD." He finds the guy and is gonna torture him, but the guy jumps off the balcony and kills himself.

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Jim Kirk like goes to take a nap or something and Spock has this FUCKING AWESOME PSYCHEDELIC SOLILOQUY and then he goes to put some Vulcan moves on Stepford Wives Space Hottie, who is ALL ABOUT IT and he's like, "Yo, logically speaking, we could totally do it," but in the meantime, Feisty Space Hottie shows up in Jim Kirk's bedroom with a knife like she's gonna take him hostage. They fight a bit and he's all, "Yo we could totally make out" but she's not having it. Then Kirk calls Spock in and Mandy Patinkin's Dad comes and tortures the hell out of Feisty Space Hottie with color lasers and whatnot.

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Kirk's like, "Hey bro, I was kinda thinking I'd be making out with this space hottie in like NO TIME FLAT, any chance of not TORTURING THE CRAP OUT OF HER?" but Mandy Patinkin's Dad goes, "Yo, you don't know shit. The fuck off my planet bitches" and Kirk and Spock go back to the ship.

The show at this point as pretty much written itself into a corner. Feisty Space Hottie's in jail, Kirk and Spock are on the ship. They don't have the WHATEVER IT IS yet, and time's a wastin'. Meantime, Bones is like, "Yo these broke-ass miners are inhaling gasses that make them dumb but if they wear masks it won't be a thing."

How they solve it is Kirk beams into Feisty Space Hottie's jail cell with a mask and is like, "Baby I can solve all your problems with this mask and ALSO I HAVE MAGIC DICK." They knock out a guard and head to the mines so Feisty Space Hottie can give Jim Kirk the WHATEVER IT IS and then he can help free her people or whatever.

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BUT WAIT! It's a trap! They get down to the mine Jim Kirk seals it FOR NO REASON and Feisty Space Hottie is like, "Bitches be treacherous" and grabs Jim Kirk's phaser and is all gonna hold him hostage. So he's like stuck there and he's like, "Okay, whatever. I'll call the Enterprise and have them beam Mandy Patinkin's Dad down here and we'll all sort this shit out."

Feisty Space Hottie isn't having it though. She makes Jim Kirk dig with his bare hands which is going to release the gas and make him dumb like the miners and then by the time Mandy Patinkin's Dad shows up, Kirk's all violent so they fight and whatnot.

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But when Feisty Space Hottie sees them fighting she realizes WHAT A MAN HE IS AND THAT HE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG about the gas, so she grabs his communicator and has them all beamed up to the ship.

Jim Kirk knocks out Mandy Patinkin's Dad and Feisty Space Hottie is knocked out too kinda incidentally -- she pretty much JUST FALLS DOWN -- and then Kirk is gonna fight Spock but Spock's all, "Spacebro, logically speaking, it's me and you're all fucked up on gas." Jim Kirk's like, "Oh shit sorry brah" and they do a makeup chestbump.

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Then because there's not much time left and they gotta wrap it up, they're all back at Mandy Patinkin's Dad's place and Stepford Wives Space Hottie is talking to Spock and she's like I'LL STOP BEING CLUELESS AND INTOLERANT NOW and Spock's like, "Word, logically speaking" and Mandy Patinkin's Dad is still all pissed and Jim Kirk's kinda pissed too until Feisty Space Hottie is like, "Or you guys could NOT be dicks" and they laugh it off and Feisty Space Hottie demands more rights or whatever and then Kirk and Spock beam off the planet with the WHATEVER IT IS and, presumably, go stop that plague.

Interesting to see Star Trek take on class in addition to race, even if they handled it in basically the same way and still had some problematic assertions/assumptions. Didn't have the same kitsch appeal as The Way to Eden, but still a cool episode.

Three Treks left.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:48 am 
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h.p. taskmaster wrote:
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Now that's an album cover.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 1:16 am 
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s03e22: The Savage Curtain
aka: "The Royal Rumble"

You wanna know how to start a compelling television program? WITH ABE LINCOLN IN SPACE:

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The Enterprise is at some planet made of lava or some shit and they're like, "Well there's nothing to see here let's go party somewhere else" but then Jim Kirk goes, "Never mind that shit here comes Mongo" except he's not talking about Mongo, he's talking about ABE LINCOLN IN SPACE.

WHICH IS COOL.

I GUESS...?

Abe Lincoln In Space is all, "Yo beam my shit up because I'm Abefrigginlincoln ova here" and Kirk's like, "I'M JUST BORED ENOUGH TO DO THIS SHIT" and they give Abe Lincoln presidential honors which apparently means EVEN SHINIER SHIRTS and beam him up and whatever and then Kirk's MORE LIKE CAPTAIN SMIRK (holy shit it took me like three seasons to come up with that) but he's having fun and Spock's like, "Logically speaking I don't give a fuck" so they roll with it.

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Bones and Scotty are like "WTF?" though. Abe Lincoln In Space is all like, "So most of the planet's made of lava but part of it isn't and Kirk and Spock, you guys should come hang," and Kirk's down because APPARENTLY HE HAS A THING FOR LINCOLN and Spock's like "Logically speaking I still don't give a fuck," but Bones and Scotty pull Kirk and Spock into a conference room and are like, "You're dumb as shit."

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They argue about it for a while, but Jim Kirk finally goes, "Yo, I am a fucking man and you will not tell me not to beam down into WHAT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS TRAP EVER if I want to and I want to so fuck off," and Spock's like, "Yeah, makes sense," and then they go with Lincoln to beam down with phasers and tricorders and happy meals or whatever the hell.

But when they get to the planet, all their fancypants gear is gone and they can't call the ship on their cellphones because WHATEVER and then they meet the guy who's like the Vulcan Jeebus and Abe Lincoln rolled into one and his name is Ciroc:

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Spock is like, "HOLY SHIT BRO I'M LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN I HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM DIDDY," but then he has to apologize for nerding out. Jim Kirk's like, "Yo whatever" and then Ciroc is like, "Dudes, be dudely" or some other wise shit and Abe Lincoln In Space's all, "Right on" and they talk about getting dinner or something. Maybe some tapas. Things kinda slow down for a minute.

And then they meet STEAMING POO MONSTER:

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Steaming Poo Monster's like, "Yo bitches NOT made out of steaming poo, I've got four historical villains three of whom are made up and you need to fight them to the death because we want to learn about good vs. evil OR SOMETHING so here's like Space Hitler and some crazy lady and Genghis Khan and a Klingon guy just in case you forgot about the Klingons" and they all strike a pose behind him.

But Kirk and Spock and Abe Lincoln In Space and Ciroc don't wanna fight. They decide not to and then one of the bad guys comes over and is like smooth-talking Pete or some shit but Kirk doesn't buy it and then they fight for a little while but then they tell Steaming Poo Monster they don't want to fight because they have no reason to so he's like, "Okay I'll blow up your fucking ship how's that?"

Kirk's like, "That'll work," and Abe Lincoln In Space -- whose makeup gets more and more fucked up looking as the episode wears on -- is like, "I sent 100,000 men to their death in the Civil War, so you know I'm up for stabbing somebody," but Spock and Ciroc don't wanna do it. Ciroc is all, "I'll go talk to the bad guys and this'll end really well for me."

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It doesn't though. Ciroc gets his ass killed LIKE IMMEDIATELY and the Klingon guy does an impression of him being tortured OR SOMETHING to lure the others into fighting and Jim Kirk is like, "Well I already fell for one completely dumbass trap today, might as well make it a double" so he and Spock attack the front end (hee hee) while Abe Lincoln In Space sneaks around back to rescue Ciroc.

Snag is that Ciroc's dead when he gets there and then the bad guys kill Abe Lincoln In Space too BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST THAT FUCKED UP and then it's pretty much on from there. Jim Kirk goes apeshit a little bit and everyone's stunt double is in go mode and everyone fights. Kirk kills one of the bad guys and the others run off and then it ends, which isn't a fight to the death but okay.

Steaming Poo Monster's all, "You guys are all pricks for killing each other and there's no difference between good and bad" and Jim Kirk's like, "No way, you're a prick for holding my ship hostage and not giving me a choice," and Steaming Poo Monster's like, "Whatever I'm made of poo get off my planet."

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Then they're back on the ship and everything works and Kirk goes and talks to Spock and is like, "Yo Spock, can you please explain EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS EPISODE to the audience?" and Spock actually does a pretty good job but he leaves out WHY THE FUCK ABE LINCOLN IN SPACE WOULD TRICK THEM INTO GOING TO THE PLANET TO START WITH.

Unlike Jim Kirk, who's trying to save his ship, or Spock, who more or less is like, "Logically speaking, I follow this jerk everywhere," Abe Lincoln In Space has nothing to fight for whatsoever. Why not, when he's already on the ship, just be like, "Uh, there's like this fucked up royal rumble down there? And you might wanna avoid it." And Spock says that Abe Lincoln In Space and Ciroc were projected images from their brains turned into matter OR SOMETHING but that makes it even worse and it sorta gives me the eye-twitchies thinking about it so I'm going to stop.

DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. DIDN'T NEED TO. When you've got Abe Lincoln In Space, and then you make him look like a zombie FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, you've already won. As has humanity:

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Two Treks left.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 12:52 pm 
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These two things, on a t-shirt:

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"I sent 100,000 men to their death in the Civil War, so you know I'm up for stabbing somebody."

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Tue Dec 24, 2013 12:16 am 
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s03e23: All Our Yesterdays
aka: "So Okay, Really Only Like Two of Our Yesterdays"

In the first 10 seconds it gets explained that there's this star about to go nova and destroy some planet, and even though the computer says there's no one there, Kirk, Spock and Bones beam down because SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK.

They wind up, of course, in your local library:

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There they meet SOME JERK who has clones of himself -- yes, they're called REPLICAS -- and he's like, "Oh no I gotta get you guys outta here pick a card so I can send you back in time OR SOMETHING" and AT NO POINT does anyone say "we're not from this planet and we don't want to go back in time." I guess the star's about to explode so Jim Kirk's like, "FUCK IT, LET'S HAVE BRUNCH YO." Spock is all, "Logically speaking, I like tomatoes in my eggs." It's fucked up.

Whatever. At first the guy they meet is a prick but then he's okay and they're looking through the library and having a good time BECAUSE YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY IS A FUCKING TREASURE AND DON'T FUCKING FORGET IT and then Kirk like cues up a CD of what looks like pioneer times but then there's like an errant space-hottie voice so he dashes through a portal like a tool. The guy's all, "Holy shit you haven't been PREPARED and I'm gonna say it in some way that lets you know it's important for later" but Bones and Spock don't pay attention and they also go through the portal after Kirk like tools.

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Jim Kirk fucking winds up in like this planet's 18th century or whatever, but because Bones had out a CD of the Ice Age, they're all in the snow and shit. Whatever. Kirk IMMEDIATELY finds the lady in distress and saves her, but it turns out that

1: She's a thief.

2: She's not even a space-hottie.

She gets him thrown in jail FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Meantime, Bones and Spock are in the Arctic or whatever and they're like dying and frostbitten and shit and then Bones is all, "Spacebro go on without me" and Spock's like, "Logically speaking I'm not leaving you brah" and then they meet up with SOME MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHOSE FACE YOU CAN'T SEE BUT YOU KNOW IS A SPACE HOTTIE ANYWAY.

She turns out to be Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie. She takes Spock and Bones back to her cave and then gets naked with Spock.

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Spock is like, "FUCK YEAH SON" but then he's like, "Wait a second wtf?" because he doesn't usually give a crap about space hotties but Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie's all "Yo we should do it" and he's like, "You know, like two episodes ago I told Stepford Wives Space Hottie that I only get it on like once every seven years, but I'm down." So they make out and Bones wakes up and then he kinda tries to mack on her too and Spock doesn't like it.

Bones is like "You're a bitch" and starts taking shit about Vulcans and ears and whatever and Spock gets super pissed and is gonna fuck him up. Rightly so because INTERPLANETARY DISCRIMINATION IS FUCKED.

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But whatever. Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie is all, "You can't ever get outta here because CELLS OR SOMETHING" and Spock's like, "Sounds good now about that doing it" but Bones doesn't buy it. He's like, "Pff whatever Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie with whom I'd totally get it on."

Cut back to Jim Kirk and he's in jail because they think he's a witch or some shit and his Space Nottie is like, "Yo they're gonna fuck you up cuz you're a witch and fuck off" and she keeps calling him a witch to get him in trouble because BITCHES BE TREACHEROUS and he's like, "No wait a second this is all wrong I should have the space hottie and Spock should be able to deal with this shit for me HAS NO ONE EVER SEEN THIS SHOW???"

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Turns out his jailer is from the future though so all it takes is knocking out a guard and telling the jailer that he'll call him a witch or pudgy or something for the guy to be like "I'VE GOT NO SPINE AND YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING MAN I WILL BEND TO YOUR WILL" and then he takes Jim Kirk back to where the portal is, explaining that he can't go through it but because Jim Kirk was never "prepared," he has to or he'll die.

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Whatfuckingever.

Jim Kirk walks through a brick wall and then he's back in your local library and he sees the guy but the guy's a dick again and he like shoots Jim Kirk for no reason and tries to roll him through the portal in a cart.

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Kirk's not having any of that shit though because he's too much of a man to get wheeled around by some old dude so he does a tuck and roll off the cart and is like, "Yo dick you're gonna help me get my spacebros back or I don't care if the sun is about to explode I will seriously fuck you up" and the old dude is like, "Whatever you're a dick but I'll help you BECAUSE YOU DEFEATED MY EVIL PLAN OF USING THE CART."

Back in the Ice Age, Spock and Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie are all in each other's business and Bones is like, "Yo BITCHES BE TREACHEROUS she's lying and we can probably totally go through the portal and you just can't see it because she's got magic late-'60s hair flip and you're like reverting to savage Vuncanry OR SOMETHING."

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Spock's like, "Yo shit is REALLY COMPLICATED for me right now, semi-logically speaking" and Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie is all, "Hey man I'm just sayin' doin' it is friggin' awesome" but eventually Spock gets his shit together and they head out into the Arctic to find the portal out. Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie is all bummed because she can't go through though.

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Jim Kirk and that other dude are trying to find where Bones and Spock went though so they can open the portal again OR SOMETHING and then they don't find it but then they do and Spock tries to push Bones through alone so he can stay with Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie but it won't work. MEANWHILE A FUCKING STAR IS EXPLODING. Jim Kirk is like, "Yo the fuck?" and Bones is like, "It's a space hottie Jim" and then Spock has to leave Breathy Voiced Cave Hottie who's stuck there by herself as a punishment EVEN THOUGH SHE'S INNOCENT BECAUSE ALTHOUGH TREACHEROUS ALL HOTTIES ARE ALSO OF IMPECCABLE MORALS SOMEHOW.

The old guy puts in a CD of his own and jumps through the portal to go see Electric Wizard or some shit and then Spock and Bones have a moment and Bones is like, "Bro you cool?" and Spock's all, "Logically speaking it was 5000 years ago and hair flips are fucking passe anyway" and then they have to go AND NO ONE THINKS MAYBE THEY SHOULD SAVE ANY OF THIS DOOMED PLANET THAT HAD MASTERED TIME TRAVEL'S KNOWLEDGE FROM YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY and they beam out and the ship pulls out of orbit just as the star goes nova and the planet disappears but they get away like it ain't shit because WHATEVER IT'S ONLY AN EXPLODING STAR.

My reaction was similar to that of First Fop in Kirk's fencing match:

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Not a great one, but fair enough. Emo Spock is always fun.

One Trek left.

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 Post subject: Re: The original Star Trek
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:32 am 
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s03e24: Turnabout Intruder
aka: "The One Where Kirk Becomes a Lady"

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Blah blah distress call, blah blah beam down, then Jim Kirk's like, "Yo I used to nail this chick" and Orange Jumpsuit M.D. is like, "Yeah, that's Crazy Jilted, she's pretty much dying so whatever" and Bones is there and then they're all, "Why don't we all go into the other room for a while" and Kirk is all, "Yo we used to do it" and the lady who's dying is like, "Argh I'm dying."

But she's not really dying. Kirk walks over to some weird looking wall and then she hits a remote control or something and runs over and she and Jim Kirk do an OL SWITCHEROO of their brains because ALL WOMEN SECRETLY WANT TO BE MEN AND THAT'S WHY BITCHES ARE SO CRAZY. Also apparently women can't be captains in Starfleet and I guess Crazy Jilted, in addition to getting the One-n-Done Jim Kirk Special also wanted a ship of her own. Some women. With hopes and desires and whatnot. YOU'D ALMOST THINK THEY WERE REAL PEOPLE.

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Next thing you know Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk is having a monologue about how Jim Kirk fucked her over and should've killed her when he had the chance or whatever and Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted is all like, "Argh now I'm dying" and then, in his own body, she's gonna strangle him inside her body OR WHATEVER but doesn't do it and then is like, "Yo, let's take these two up on the ship" and Bones is all, "Uh Captain, you sounded SOMEWHAT LESS MANLY saying that, everything cool" and Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk is like "Whatever bitch please."

They all beam up and take Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted to sick bay and Bones is like, "Yo it's this" and Orange Jumpsuit M.D. is like, "No dice, it's something else" and Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk puts Orange Jumpsuit M.D. in charge I guess because even though she's a dude now he kinda wants to get in HER TIGHT SHATNER PANTS or whatever. Fair enough.

Bones is like, "The fuck spacebro?" but she can't understand BECAUSE WOMEN WILL NEVER GRASP THE BOND BETWEEN TWO MEN and then Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk is like "Fuck you chief I'm going to the bridge" but Bones is all eyebrow-raised like he knows something's up and on the bridge Spock's like, "Logically speaking, blah blah basic shit" and like Crazy Jilted can't handle it BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS HIS BODY SHE'LL NEVER HAVE JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK'S MANLY ESSENCE and like starts to flip out and then has to go file her nails LIKE A LADY DOES.

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Bones and Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk fight because Bones is all, "You're acting like a bitch" and Crazy Jilted is like, "Who you callin' a bitch? U-N-I-T-Y" but Bones doesn't get the reference so he's like, "Medical exam, dick. Full on." Crazy Jilted doesn't want to be found out, but goes along because WHATEVER. Meantime, Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted is like, under sedation, but wakes up and talks to the nice nurse lady and is trying first to convince her he's really Kirk and then playing nice to try to get to talk to Spock.

Then Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk goes and has a medical exam BUT IT'S UTTERLY POINTLESS because she passes and is fine even in the weird light test, but then Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted shows up to talk to Bones and Not-Kirk does a karate chop and Spock and Bones are like, "Yo, the captain never smacks a bitch UNLESS HE HAS TO. What's that about?" and they decide Spock should go talk to who they think is Crazy Jilted.

Spock's like the key to this whole thing. He goes and mind-melds with Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted and is all like, "Yo I believe you're my spacebro" and Jim Kirk is like, "Fucking a bro."

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Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk finds out though and is super-pissed and has Spock court martialed OR SOMETHING and for some reason Chekov and Sulu are there but just for reaction shots and Bones and Scotty and Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk are asking Spock questions and Spock's like, "Yo you're a bitch and you're acting like a bitch and I mind-melded with Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted so logically speaking fuck off bitch" and Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk starts like pounding her/his fists and stomping her/his feet while Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted sits calmly LIKE A MAN SHOULD.

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They take a recess to deliberate or whatever and then Bones and Scotty are in the hallway and they're like, "Yo I kinda believe Spock because he said logically speaking and the captain IS ACTING LIKE A BITCH." Scotty's all, "We gotta vote with Spock and then Kirk's gonna say we all mutinied, but we gotta mutiny" AND THEN HE ACTUALLY USES THE WORD HYSTERICAL WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE LOOK IT UP. And Bones is like, "Word," but when they go back inside, Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk has taped the whole thing and is like, "Who's a crazy bitch now?" except it's still her/him and she/he orders the death penalty WHICH APPARENTLY HAS BEEN OUTLAWED EVEN THOUGH THEY KILL PEOPLE ALL THE FUCKING TIME ON THIS SHOW and Sulu and Chekov are like, "Yo that's fucked."

Back on the bridge they talk about it and decide not to steer the ship or whatever and then Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk is way pissed and goes even crazier and the OL' SWITCHEROO starts to wear off.

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I guess this is WHEN SHIT STARTS TO GET REAL. Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk goes to see Orange Jumpsuit M.D. and is like, "Yo you gotta kill the real Jim Kirk in my body LIKE RIGHT NOW and I can't do it because he's SUCH A FUCKING MAN EVEN IN A WOMAN'S BODY." Orange Jumpsuit M.D. is all "I don't wanna do this but you're giving me the creepy-touch so I guess I'm still doing it off we go."

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They go to the cell where they're holding Spock, Bones, Scotty and Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted, who talk and are like, "Yo so captain what's it like to have boobs?" and Jim Kirk's like, "YO IT'S FUCKING AWESOME I'VE BEEN PLAYING WITH THEM LIKE ALL DAY but I don't wanna die and MANLY POWER is even better so we gotta get me back to my MAGIC DICK THAT WAS THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE." They're like, "Fucking a."

Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk is like, "Yo we're moving you to a different cell OR SOMETHING" but then tries to stab Jim Kirk In Crazy Jilted with a needle that'd kill him/her and it doesn't work and RIGHT THEN the ol' switcheroo like wears off because IT'S BEEN OVERPOWERED BY JIM KIRK'S MANLY ESSENCE and then it's obvious Jim Kirk is back in his own body because Crazy Jilted is crying LIKE A WOMAN and he's calm like the fucking man he is and he's like, "Yo get this crazy bitch outta here" and Orange Jumpsuit M.D. WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE A MASS MURDERER is like, "Yeah sure thing."

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She walks down the hall OFF TO WHERE EXACTLY? and then Jim Kirk, Spock and Bones go over to an elevator and Jim Kirk's all like, "Damn all these crazy bitches!" and they all laugh and bump fists and blah blah something manly episode over.

Fantastic. Pretty much summed up the central gender issue with the show in general, had some great lip-pursing from Shatner as Crazy Jilted In Jim Kirk and some actual tension there for a minute when it was unclear how things were going to be fixed. It turns out THEY JUST WERE and there you go.

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That's it. Series over. Hardly the end for these characters, but yeah at least for the original show. Been a while since I started watching, but I regret nothing for having made my way through. It's given me a whole new appreciation for Star Trek's place in sci-fi lore -- better stories, dialog and characters than Star Wars AND there a decade before it -- and though it was far from perfect, in both representing its era and steering science fiction in its wake, this shit was fucking great.

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